In case you missed it, the latest Catholic blogosphere kerfuffle is over how we talk about marriage. It all started with Emma Smith's well-meaning post "Marriage is Hard Work," in which she sadly reflected on some divorcing co-workers who felt like marriage was all up to luck. Then she stated "with complete confidence my spouse will never cheat on me ...because I have a faith and a God who stand behind me in that statement. And I can say that because the love my fiancé and I share is not human, it is divine."
To which some married women said "Are you kidding me? That is not real life." Then other women chided the critics for being mean to youthful idealism. Who is right? I suppose everyone is, in some way. Yes, Christian marriage requires hard work and God's grace, not luck. Yes, we shouldn't become the "Oh just wait ..." Debbie Downers who pounce on optimism. But no, sacraments don't come with guarantees of future behavior. For better or worse, we still have free will.
A few years ago I went to a college friend's wedding officiated by our wise campus chaplain, who has overseen dozens of alumni marriages and never was one for sugar coated homilies. In his sermon, he literally looked at the couple and told them "This is the hardest work you will ever do." They are no longer together. Likewise I know couples who may have started out in less-than-sacramental circumstances, but grew closer to Christ and have built solid Catholic families. That's reality for you.
Catholics can be so eager to promote the goodness of marriage to a commitment-shy culture that we become an hype machine. I like to call this "OMGJPIITOB!!!1!" syndrome. Civilization of Love! Culture of Life! Save sex for marriage and you can help save the world. Obedience to the Magisterium will result in a blissful love life. All those other people shacking up are just miserable, but you won't be!
This idealistic hyperbole can make us sound like the caste system in Brave New World. "I'm so glad I'm not a Beta. The Betas just use and objectify each other. The lecherous men run off and leave the women "fat, bitter, and depressed" cougars." This casts human relationships in extremes - either doomed total depravity or divinely assured uprightness. Reality is far more complicated than that.
When I was engaged, I approached marriage with naive optimism but also fears of unworthiness. Would God zap me with lightning at the altar because I hadn't "discerned" enough? Would I let my parish down somehow and become a statistic about The Culture? I conflated my wedding with the final exam of being a Nice Catholic Girl. "Happily ever after" would be my diploma reward for graduating with no chastity demerits. Better obsess about my NFP charting and cram more Fulton Sheen essays! In the last stressful throes of wedding planning, I blurted out "I just wish the bishop would give me a dang gold star or something!"
Well guess what? Marriage isn't a fairy tale that rewards the good - it's an agreement to carry the cross together. In our very first week as spouses there were disagreements and disappointments and illness. Idealism quickly collided with reality. At first, it felt like God had snuck up and dumped bucket of cold water on my head. We followed all the rules; this wasn't part of the bargain!
Here's the reality: the sacrament of marriage isn't a guarantee nor is it a prize. Like Baptism and Confirmation, it's an undeserved invitation to grace/ When we receive it, we're embarking on a journey towards holiness. We can either be disillusioned at our own weakness or throw ourselves onto God's mercy, because only He can make us stronger, better. Even though the Southern Baron and I are soul mates in many ways, our love is still very, very human. Meshing our lives together has put a magnifying glass on our weaknesses. Who knew there were so many ways we could hurt or misunderstand each other? I can't predict what flaws and differences will bubble to the surface during future challenges.
Every day, I must choose to love my husband unconditionally, the way God loves him. I must choose to accept God's love and grace too. When my relationship with one of them suffers, so does the other. At the same time, I'm deeply humbled that my spouse offers me unconditional love too. As that same wise priest said in a different wedding homily, a husband and wife don't "deserve" each other, their unique combination of sins and virtues. They don't "deserve" God's love and grace either - but He offers it anyway, every day.
Very well written, thank you! I too remember wondering why they hadn't grilled me harder in our pre-Cana marriage prep. Did I really know this was my vocation? Were we really qualified? NOw I see that it wasn't a lack of good preparation, but another way the Catholic Church respects our freedom. Do you know what marriage is? Are there any major impediments? No? Ok, here's our blessing. We'll be here with the Eucharist and confession because you're going to need them.
ReplyDeleteWhat has been missing most in the back and forth these articles ignited is the recognition that what sets Catholic marriage apart isn't "If you meet the criteria x,y,z you will find bliss" but that even if your marriage ends up in shambles from whatever hurt one spouse has caused the other, is that we are called to forgiveness and mercy, not the redo of divorce. I wish Emma had found a gentle way to have that conversation with her co-workers instead of (what came across as smugly) thinking, "we're not going to have those problems."
We are called to forgiveness and mercy no matter what - so true! And it is definitely a good thing we have all those other sacraments to help us keep doing that in marriage.
DeleteOh man, I'm so geeked out that you tied this all in to Brave New World. What a great book!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I just read every single article you linked to and now my head is spinning. (The smug was strong in one and the condescension permeated the other.) I agree with Anne B. and that it would have been nice to read some gentler voices. I mean, I'm confident that my marriage won't end in divorce because that's something that my husband and I have discussed ad nauseum both before and after marriage. We won't even say the word divorce during disagreements because it's not an option for us.
Also, I'm totally with you in have a rough first few months of marriage, so far we've had long-term unemployment and a devastating break-in - I just have to remind myself that we'll be okay in the end.
Hooray, I'm glad at least one person got the Huxley joke!
DeleteBeing out of work is hard too - I was unemployed for several months while we were engaged, and it was nerve-wracking, not to mention debt-inducing.
I agree - the "impossibility" of divorce is both a comfort and a motivation to keep growing your relationship. But I much prefer the tone of "That's not an option we'll consider," than "I have metaphysical certainty this will never happen."