John the Baptist Continues to Endorse King Herod

JERUSALEM – In a move that surprised some of his followers today, local religious leader John the Baptist issued a statement reinforcing his support for King Herod Antipas. Herod’s rule has come under harsh criticism in recent weeks, due to reports that he had been overheard saying he likes to “grab women by the honeypot” whenever he finds them attractive. Since the story broke, several women in the queen’s household have come forward accusing Herod of forcing himself on them in hallways of the palace. Herod has dismissed their claims, insisting that his statement was just “bathhouse talk.”

John the Baptist acknowledged that such language and behavior are abhorrent to Israel’s traditional moral values, but he called for devout Jews to forgive Herod and continue to support him. “In trying times like these, Herod is exactly the kind of strong leadership we need. Horrible things are happening out there – Tiberius is crucifying people all over the place, the fishermen aren’t catching enough, and the Samaritans are taking our jobs. Herod’s going to make Israel great again! Who are you going to trust instead, a career politician like Pontius Pilate? Herod is a local boy who made good with just a little help from his dad. You can’t deny that his palace is really shiny.

"Who am I to judge this guy?"
Sermon of John the Baptist Before Herod by Guilia Cheli Capella

 “Our religious freedom is currently under attack. Leaked scrolls from Roman tribunes show that they don’t respect or even understand our beliefs. But Herod is willing to pay lip service to the temple rites! He has said he likes having ‘my little wine, my little cracker’ at Passover meals. Maybe he’s no scholar of the law and the prophets, but at least he’s not a baby killer like his predecessor.” Some of John’s followers were still troubled, noting that Herod has a long history of sexual licentiousness. Herod’s current consort, Herodias, is actually the wife of his brother Philip. Not to be deterred, Herod “moved on her heavily, even though she was married.” He is also on record agreeing that his stepdaughter Salome is “a hot piece of ass,” and observing that “If she weren’t my stepdaughter, I’d be dating her”

“Look folks,” John responded, “If there’s anything scripture teaches us, it’s that powerful men can use their authority to get any woman they want. Abraham knew this – he had Sarah pretend to be his sister to save his own skin because he knew Pharaoh would go for her. Obviously Sarah had to be reduced to a pawn in a power play. “King David was the same way; he was automatically attracted to beauty. He peeked in Bathsheba’s bathroom and liked what he saw. He ran the country, shouldn’t he get to inspect the goods? David couldn’t wait, he just had to kiss her, even if she was married. It’s not like God issued condemnation or consequences for David’s actions. Besides, what man hasn’t bragged about raping and pillaging? It’s just how guys bond.

“Women who claim they were sexually assaulted are probably just looking for attention. Remember the case of Susanna, who accused two elders of propositioning her in a locked garden? She must have loved all the publicity of being blackmailed and called a lying harlot. Daniel proved her innocence, so she should just get over being betrayed by men who were supposed to be trusted leaders. It’s not like she died or anything. “Some of you were moved by the emotional speech Pilate’s wife Claudia gave, where she said Herod’s comments make her feel threatened as a woman and how she always held her male relatives to a higher standard, blah, blah, blah. Don’t fall for her hypocrisy. You know she’s a fan of Catullus’ poems, and his lyrics are really smutty, so she has no right to object to sexual violence. Men should be given the benefit of the doubt, but every aspect of a woman’s life must be sifted like grain before we can take her opinions seriously.

“Herod might not be perfect, but who is? The Lord has worked through flawed leaders before and we should trust that He can do it again. I’m confident that Herod will keep devout people’s best interests at heart, and make wise decisions to protect our national sovereignty. I’m willing to stick my neck out for Herod because I trust that his private tendencies for greed, lust, and anger won’t lead to bad political deals."