Is Courtship Fundamentally Catholic?

The current courtship resurgence is an interesting facet of the Christian "purity culture" that has sprung up in reaction to the sexual revolution and and divorce trends of the 20th century. Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out in 1997, and its spouse-finding philosophy has been a cultural and spiritual force ever since. I was 12 when Harris burst into the scene, and his writing influenced me and my friends in our teen years. Harris' antidote to hook-up culture has been around so long that there is now some backlash as my generation assesses its results.

Recently, former courtship advocate Thomas Umstattd wrote Why Courtship Is Fundamentally Flawed, arguing that the system misinterprets scripture and does not safeguard against divorce. Even Harris himself has warned against excessive courtship legalism that makes young couples afraid to even speak to each other. For every couple whose courtship resulted in a happy marriage, there are stories of overly controlling fathers or jerk suitors who masked their toxic personalities with lip service to "biblical marriage."

On the other hand, courtship is more visible than ever, with People magazine covering the Duggars' strict courtship rules. Fundamentalist groups host "purity balls" where girls in formal dresses promise their dads that they will remain virgins until marriage. These father-daughter dances and chastity pledges have garnered much media attention for being "like a wedding, except to your dad."

Swedish photographer David Magnusson's exhibit of father-daughter purity ball portraits is one recent example of courtship in the spotlight. Documenting families in Louisiana, Texas, Colorado and Arizona, he photographed fathers and daughters near their homes in their ceremony clothes. Portraits were done in the early morning, with subjects choosing their poses “in the light of the decisions you have made.” Magnusson's purpose isn't just curiosity, but cultural analysis. "I wanted to create portraits that were beautiful; images that the girls and their fathers would like to see hanging on their walls at home, while someone from another cultural background might experience the very same portraits in an entirely different way."

Pierce and Jasmine Nunley, Grand Cane, Louisiana.
By David Magnusson

At first, the portraits are off-putting. Seeing a gallery of grown men embracing young girls in wedding-like dresses feels really creepy. It's like an incestuous combo of a quincenera or debutante ball. But when you look closer, each pair has unique expressions of their relationship and motivations. You can see determination, courage, tenderness, trust, and protection. Magnusson has successfully worked with his subjects to create a complex work of art.

The Catholic Church doesn't have official dating policies, so the way Catholics view courtship is not unlike the possible reactions to Magnusson's portraits. Some people cringe at the strict rules, some find inspiration to create more boundaries in their dating life, and others are enchanted by the promise of purity and parental love. There's no one best way for finding your spouse, but Catholics should be careful to examine the theology of courtship more closely. Some weird idolatry can lurk under the surface.

To many, the concept of courtship is just shorthand for "pursuing an exclusive, chaste relationship with the intention of discerning marriage while consulting parental wisdom." At its most strict and biblically literal, though, courtship regards marriage as the transfer of a woman from her father's authority to her husband's. A father's permission is required for both courtship and marriage because he has the final say over his daughter's life. By doing so he reflects the role of God the Father giving Eve to Adam in Eden. The will of the dad is the will of God.

Frankly, my brothers and sisters, that is wack. Here are a few reasons why such scrupulosity isn't compatible with Catholicism.

Scripture does not depict strict courtship as mandatory or foolproof. As Umstattd points out, "Just because Jacob had two wives and a seven-year engagement does not mean that God wants all men to have two wives and seven-year engagements." In fact, Rachel and Leah's father abuses his authority to cheat Jacob. In the Book of Tobit, Sarah's father approves her marriage to seven different husbands, but each one ends in disaster anyway. Ruth bypasses courtship by pursuing Boaz, while Esther is sent to the king's harem against her male guardian's will.

The lives of the Saints don't embrace this type of parental control; in fact they often defy it. There are so many examples of holy women whose fathers opposed their desire for a life of celibacy. St. Catherine of Siena even chopped off her hair to keep her parents from marrying her off. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, "Parents should respect [a child's call to the religious life] and encourage their children to follow it. They must be convinced that the first vocation of the Christian is to follow Jesus." (CCC 2232) Did Mary ask her dad's permission before she agreed to bear the Messiah? Nope, she said yes and then ran off to consult her female relative instead.

The Church teaches that girls should be taught "the right use of their reason and freedom," not protected from the world at all costs. (2228) At baptism, parents make promises of faith on behalf of their kids, but from then on children must cooperate with God's grace on their own. Elders can and should offer and advice and guidance, but your vocation is ultimately between you and God. As the Catechism states:

"Obedience towards parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them ... When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state in life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse." (2217 & 2230)

The rite for the sacrament of marriage does not ask the father of the bride to "give this woman," a patriarchal moment that courtship fundamentalists often cite. The father does not take the place of God; we already have ordained priests to act in persona christi. In fact, the couple themselves are the ministers of the sacrament of marriage. "The Church holds the exchange of consent between the spouses to be the indispensable element that 'makes the marriage.'" (1627) Their covenant reflects the wedding feast of the Lamb in heaven, where the victory of Christ the new Adam is complete. 

Even though it appears charmingly old-fashioned and wholesome, strict courtship is neither a magic bullet against sin nor an oracle of God's will. If you need a framework of bureaucratic oversight and final veto power to prevent your daughter from making a bad choice in marriage, then her adult conscience is poorly formed.This doesn't mean that fathers don't have a role in their daughters' choice of a husband. Good male role models are essential to help a girl learn what to look for in a spouse.

I'm grateful for my own dad's example as a smart, generous, hardworking, tender-hearted husband and father. He's one of the people I admire most in the world, and I respect his opinion. I know if I had dated a guy who was a jerk, my dad would have told me his concerns. But after spending the first 18 years under the care of a man who loved me selflessly, why would I settle for anything less in my adult life?

One of my favorite memories of my dad is how he put up with my shy temperament as a little girl. I was too scared to enter school alone, so he would walk with  me to my 1st grade classroom every morning. He knew this couldn't go on forever, though, and he kept encouraging me to have confidence. "Maybe today I can walk with you just until the lobby tile ends, how about that?" he'd say. He took good care of me, but knew part of that care was teaching me to walk out on my own.

First Dance

Grace is doing a linkup about first dance songs, so here's ours. We're only newlyweds for one more month, so I better get in the wedding pictures while I can!

We didn't really have an official song during our 4 years of dating. Most of the time we were listening to music to pass the time while we were apart. Despite our nerdy mind-meld at times, the Southern Baron and I have very different musical impulses. He dreams of listening to Wagner's entire Ring Cycle nonstop on a road trip, while I can happily memorize the lyrics to any stupid pop song within two listens. When we first fell for each other, he sent me a gorgeous Chopin nocturne and I emailed him Aretha Franklin's "Baby I Love You."

We do associate certain songs with missing one another, especially on the long drives back and forth for weekend visits. He would always text me when Doc Watson's "Shady Grove" came on. "Ain't no gal on this whole world that's prettier than mine." One Republic was one of my highway staples, and their song "All This Time" would always have me crying into my steering wheel somewhere along I-95. "All this time we've been waiting for each other...Got all this love, can't waste it on another/ So I'm straight in a straight line, running back to you."

Classics and folk rock are two genres we can agree on though. The Wailin Jennys became a favorite of our visits, and were playing on the car stereo as we drove home from our engagement dinner. Their song "Asleep At Last" was an easy choice for our first dance. It describes the happiness and relief we felt at finally being together forever.

Be my asleep at last

Kiss me slow and hold me fast

Be my sail and be my mast

In the blue forever cast your love

Far from pain and past

Be my this one’s meant to last

It's a slow song, so we didn't pull out any wild dance moves. Having a calm romantic moment together was the perfect antidote to all the crazy schedule juggling the week before. Back when I was on my college's ballroom dance team I had dreams of elaborate choreographed wedding dances. Maybe now that we live in the same state we can finally take dance lessons together. But the memories of our sweet and simple first dance are way better than what my college self imagined.

Photos by JeanneMarie Photography

Marriage and the Cross - Hype vs. Reality

In case you missed it, the latest Catholic blogosphere kerfuffle is over how we talk about marriage. It all started with Emma Smith's well-meaning post "Marriage is Hard Work," in which she sadly reflected on some divorcing co-workers who felt like marriage was all up to luck. Then she stated "with complete confidence my spouse will never cheat on me ...because I have a faith and a God who stand behind me in that statement. And I can say that because the love my fiancé and I share is not human, it is divine."

To which some married women said "Are you kidding me? That is not real life." Then other women chided the critics for being mean to youthful idealism. Who is right? I suppose everyone is, in some way. Yes, Christian marriage requires hard work and God's grace, not luck. Yes, we shouldn't become the  "Oh just wait ..." Debbie Downers who pounce on optimism. But no, sacraments don't come with guarantees of future behavior. For better or worse, we still have free will.

A few years ago I went to a college friend's wedding officiated by our wise campus chaplain, who has overseen dozens of alumni marriages and never was one for sugar coated homilies. In his sermon, he literally looked at the couple and told them "This is the hardest work you will ever do." They are no longer together. Likewise I know couples who may have started out in less-than-sacramental circumstances, but grew closer to Christ and have built solid Catholic families. That's reality for you.

Catholics can be so eager to promote the goodness of marriage to a commitment-shy culture that we become an hype machine. I like to call this "OMGJPIITOB!!!1!" syndrome. Civilization of Love! Culture of Life! Save sex for marriage and you can help save the world. Obedience to the Magisterium will result in a blissful love life. All those other people shacking up are just miserable, but you won't be!

This idealistic hyperbole can make us sound like the caste system in Brave New World. "I'm so glad I'm not a Beta. The Betas just use and objectify each other. The lecherous men run off and leave the women "fat, bitter, and depressed" cougars." This casts human relationships in extremes - either doomed total depravity or divinely assured uprightness. Reality is far more complicated than that.

When I was engaged, I approached marriage with naive optimism but also fears of unworthiness. Would God zap me with lightning at the altar because I hadn't "discerned" enough? Would I let my parish down somehow and become a statistic about The Culture? I conflated my wedding with the final exam of being a Nice Catholic Girl. "Happily ever after" would be my diploma reward for graduating with no chastity demerits. Better obsess about my NFP charting and cram more Fulton Sheen essays! In the last stressful throes of wedding planning, I blurted out "I just wish the bishop would give me a dang gold star or something!"

Well guess what? Marriage isn't a fairy tale  that rewards the good - it's an agreement to carry the cross together.  In our very first week as spouses there were disagreements and disappointments and illness. Idealism quickly collided with reality. At first, it felt like God had snuck up and dumped  bucket of cold water on my head. We followed all the rules; this wasn't part of the bargain!

Here's the reality: the sacrament of marriage isn't a guarantee nor is it a prize. Like Baptism and Confirmation, it's an undeserved invitation to grace/ When we receive it, we're embarking on a journey towards holiness. We can either be disillusioned at our own weakness or throw ourselves onto God's mercy, because only He can make us stronger, better. Even though the Southern Baron and I are soul mates in many ways, our love is still very, very human. Meshing our lives together has put a magnifying glass on our weaknesses. Who knew there were so many ways we could hurt or misunderstand each other? I can't predict what flaws and differences will bubble to the surface during future challenges.

Every day, I must choose to love my husband unconditionally, the way God loves him. I must choose to accept God's love and grace too. When my relationship with one of them suffers, so does the other. At the same time, I'm deeply humbled that my spouse offers me unconditional love too. As that same wise priest said in a different wedding homily, a husband and wife don't "deserve" each other, their unique combination of sins and virtues. They don't "deserve" God's love and grace either - but He offers it anyway, every day.

Five Favorites About Our Wedding

This coming Monday will mark the 2nd anniversary of the night the Southern Baron proposed to me on a train platform. It's hard to believe we've already been married for 8 months! It's also World Marriage Week,  (whatever that means) so I'll link up with Hallie at Moxie Wife and share:

5 Favorites About Our Wedding

I don't miss the stress of wedding planning at all. Long distance logistics combined with major projects at work and some family health issues made life an emotional tornado of stress. As the crazy memories fade, though, being married is pretty darn great, and we have lots of wonderful things to remember about June 15. The planning did pay off - guess it was an expression of our unique personalities after all. 

1. History nerdtastic readings

We really enjoyed being able to choose many of the elements of our wedding Mass, from the scripture passages to the propers of the Eucharistic prayer. It's not often that you get to be the ministers of a sacrament, so we wanted to be very involved. It was fun to sort through a booklet of liturgical options on the
drive back from our Engaged Encounter.

Many of the reading options are teachings on the meaning of love, but we were drawn towards actual stories that showed divine involvement in marriage. 

First Reading - Tobit 8:4b-8. The prayer Tobias and Sarah pray on their wedding night, asking for God's protection. 

Psalm 103. The Lord is kind and merciful for bringing us together. 

Second Reading - Revelation 19:1, 5-9.  The wedding feast of the Lamb places marriage in the context of salvation history. The Southern Baron decided this option was "the most epic ever." 

Gospel - John 2:1-11. The wedding feast at Cana prefigures the feast of the Lamb.

Fun fact: our homilist decided to explain more about the book of Tobit, including the bird poop and fish guts. Our little nephew Joe got very concerned about my sordid past when he heard father say "And so Sarah had married seven different husbands..." 

2. Our favorite hymns

We were very blessed to have several musically talented friends who served as our choir and organist. Keeping with the "epic" theme, we included some of our favorite hymns because they had powerful lyrics and dramatic chords. O God Beyond All Praising always makes me tear up, and the lyrics are so apt for marriage, marveling at God's blessings and trusting in His care "whether our tomorrows be filled with  good or ill." Lift High the Cross as our recessional was a shout-out to the fact that the Southern Baron shares his birthday with the feast of the Triumph of the Cross. I have a soft spot for Jerusalem, the unofficial English national hymn, for its connections to William Blake's poetry and the movie Chariots of Fire. Hearing it as the prelude right before I walked down the aisle was made me realize this is it! 

3. Having our friends and family in the ceremony

When I was a teenager I always thought it would be cool to have every priest I knew concelebrate my wedding. That's not really practical, but our Mass did have a lot of personal touches besides the wedding party. My parish priest is good friend of my family, and I even gave him a museum tour once! Another priest friend from the Southern Baron's former parish in New Jersey gave the homily. College friends and my sister-in-law did the readings. My youngest brother was an altar server. We even had our godchildren bring up the gifts - and two of them were in their First Communion outfits! That's like three sacramental references for the price of one.

4. Locations with interesting stories

Hotel ballrooms are places I associate with academic conference Powerpoint presentations, not fun parties, so I tried to find a more unusual event venue that wouldn't break the bank. There are many cute historic houses in northern Virginia, but I quickly learned that "just renting a tent" was neither easy nor cheap.
Our 1940s colonial revival style community center reception site was practically a providential accident. I drove through an historic town on the way to a when I went on a silent retreat just after we got engaged. On my way home on Sunday, I stopped to look around and get a snack, and noticed the cute yellow building. "I wonder if they do weddings..." After a little research we found out the building was affordable, available, and had a super nice staff.

Fun fact: later internet searches uncovered that President Kennedy and his family attended Mass in the Middleburg Community Center several times since there was no parish nearby yet. Eventually one was established since the Kennedys loved spending weekends in the Virginia countryside - it has a bulletproof cry room. 

 


5. Seeing the people we love celebrate together

Second line!

We grew up in different time zones, but somehow our far-flung social circles ended up in the same room. His parents chatted up my aunts over breakfast at the hotel. My childhood best friend and his sister compared notes about raising four kids. The east coasters and mid-westerners learned how to do a New Orleans Second Line dance. Two of my girlfriends hit the dance floor together wearing baby carriers. People from five different class years at William and Mary belted out the Alma Mater. When I looked across the room and saw his LSU pals and my St. Louis roommates building a pyramid of empty beer bottles, I knew the party was a success.

Being married to this gentleman and scholar is a joy and a privilege.
I love you sweetheart - here's to many more months and years together! 

The Empty Tabernacle

"They've closed the chapel at Brideshead, Bridey and the Bishop. Mummy's requiem was the last Mass said there. 

After she was buried the priest came in ... and took out the altar stone and put it in his bag

 ... and blew out the lamp in the sanctuary, 

and left the tabernacle open and empty,

as if from now on it was always to be Good Friday." - Brideshead Revisted

Seeing the empty tabernacle and stripped altar is my favorite part of Good Friday. Like the sede vacante period, this emptiness only happens once in a while, and so is a powerful reminder of why we love the persons who normally fill that space. The dramatic, sparse mourning of the Triduum sanctifies the sorrow and loneliness that all humans experience. 

Like last year when I was newly engaged, this Lent has been full of exciting new plans that have kept me from feeling somber. But honestly, the past two years have been like one long Lent of underemployment, debt, and uncertainty. The Betrothed and I spent lonely Easters last year on different continents. We had a grainy Skype conversation and vowed "Next year, in Jerusalem!" 

On Christmas Eve, God finally answered our prayers with a job offer for me in New York. I've relocated for love, and finally live in the same state as my future husband. So now Lent is over and we are in Holy Saturday until June 15, waiting, praying, and keeping watch over empty space. I live alone in the apartment that will soon be our home. Different schedules and locations mean we often sit solo in church pews. Every weekend is a puzzle of who will drive where. It's hard for our lives to be so divided. 

The ache and emptiness that hit me when we started long-distance dating is still present. I long for unity with the man I love, and finally to share a home with him and God. I'm not a model Catholic woman, patiently suffering. Too often, I have given in to self-pity and despair. I worry that I have wasted this cross or have failed at being a witness of Christian joy. Sure, secular world, don't shack up with your beloved. Instead, be as miserable as I am! 

Fellow engaged woman Elizabeth recently pointed out that feeling a longing for marriage during the Triduum is actually quite appropriate.  Christ's Passion and Resurrection were His greatest expression of love for His bride, the Church. Why shouldn't we want the same spousal self-giving and unity? So this weekend, when I wish for the millionth time that we were married already, I'll try to unite that wishing to Christ's great desire and love for the Church. I'll think of the great mystery that The Betrothed and I will soon become united to, and its promise that God's people will not face emptiness forever. 

Photos:
1. Good Friday 2013 at Holy Innocents, Manhattan. 

2, 3, 5. Good Friday 2008 at College of William and Mary Catholic Campus Ministry Chapel, Williamsburg, VA

4. Good Friday 2013 at St. Francis Church St. Anthony Chapel, Manhattan

Can Motherhood and Graduate Degrees Mix?

I'm late to the party for this week's Bright Maidens topic, but I've really been enjoying everyone's contributions. The dilemma of stay-at-home mom vs. working mom is one that I wrestle with. I'm still asking God to show me the proper balance between my scholarly goals and my desire for motherhood.

Source

I'm blessed to have a mother who left her physical therapy career to raise her children full-time. My mom hasn't been formally employed for 27 years, but I've always known that she works as hard as any CEO. Creating a loving home and family is her mission in life, and I admire her dedication to it. As the oldest of 5 kids, I was her assistant from an early age. I'm proud of the skills I've learned at home. I can cook for a crowd, grocery shop strategically, hem pants, plant flowers, paint a living room, and jump-start a car.

On the other hand, I can identify with some women's professional angst . Grad school messes with your head in many ways, and that includes how you think about parenthood. After spending years of blood, sweat, and tears on an advanced degree, all you can think about is getting a job that will let you use it. When you make the "terrible life choice" of grad school, you make a commitment to a field you are passionate about. I didn't set out to follow a different path than my mom, it just happened that way.

When I graduated from college with no marriage prospects, I figured I might as well pay the bills doing something I loved. Thanks to Divine Providence, I started a competitive master's program ... and met my future husband two weeks into the school year. The Betrothed's love for history and Catholic family life both made me fall in love with him. I had happy daydreams of us being one of those faculty couples beloved around campus for their dinner parties, cute kids, campus ministry involvement, and banter-filled joint lectures. Here was someone who understood all the things that I valued, both sacred and secular.

It's sad to see how children can be a professional afterthought for academics. Some people in our fields would say to delay kids until tenure or several job promotions. (Waiting for pregnancy until your late 30s always works out well, right?)


That kind of attitude looks at just half the picture. Scholarly publications can feel like birthing a child, but they don't really go on to have developing lives of their own. They sit on shelves collecting dust until someone makes future grad students read them. Academia doesn't love me back, or need me to teach it what life is about. Sitting alone in an archive is cold and lonely. No one coos about how adorable your Chapter 6 footnotes are. (If they do, they need help.)


When I see examples of women writing dissertations while pregnant, I feel like there is hope in the world. It may not be possible to have it "all," but I would love to try to have at least some. I deeply desire to have a family with my historian fiance, but I have also been fighting long and hard to break into the museum field. Both parts of my life are valuable to me.

Making family a priority might be a counter-cultural choice that will keep me from becoming a super-famous and powerful curator, but I'm ok with that.When I freak out the logistics of my future motherhood, The Betrothed is always level-headed. He reassures me that his professor schedule won't be a typical 9 to 5 gig. Sometimes he'll gently chide me, saying "Hey, you're forgetting that there's another adult in the equation here!" It's so encouraging to know that raising a family is a project we'll tackle together. As Jen Fulweiler recently pointed out, fatherhood is a man's vocation, not his career.

So what kind of mom will I be? I have no idea.  Will The Betrothed and I be able to balance our work schedules so one of us is always home? Will I chase after little ones during the day and then work on a journal article after they're in bed? Will I leave my field altogether, or will I go back for a PhD once the kids are school-aged? It's too soon to tell. For now I just have to keep asking God how I'm supposed to serve him with all my abilities.

Any over-educated moms out there? I'd love to know how/if you balance scholarship and parenthood.

We're getting married!

Now for the good news: what I held off announcing on Ash Wednesday is that The Beau and I are engaged! (Should I call him The Betrothed now?) He popped the question on Friday night, starting off what was definitely the best Birthday/President's Day/Mardi Gras weekend ever.

I had suspected something might be up, but Mark completely surprised me by asking the minute I arrived in New Jersey. My Bolt bus was late, we had to reschedule dinner, the Newark train station was confusing, and then I couldn't find him on the train platform when I arrived. Once the crowd cleared and we met up I was ready to lug my bags off. 

But then he said "Wait, I want to ask you something...do you like sacraments?" 

Then in a moment that was both in slow motion and over too fast, he knelt down and asked if I would like to enter into the sacrament of matrimony with him. I dropped all my bags and managed to squeak out "Are you serious?!?!" and then "Yes, of course!" I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably in disbelief for the next five minutes as we ran to catch our dinner reservation. The next day we called our families, and then hosted a dinner party where we told most of The Betrothed's friends. (This engagement party had been cleverly disguised as a birthday party for me. Sneaky!)

The train platform was really the perfect spot. Not only are trains romantic locations in old movies, but this one is next door to his church. It's the same place where I spied him in the campus ministry center, waiting for me to get back from thesis research in New York. And it's pretty symbolic of our 2.5 year long-distance relationship, punctuated by trips up and down the eastern seaboard. 

My ring is also perfect, which shows how well he knows me. The diamonds are from his grandmother's engagement ring, and he had the setting custom made based on a 1940s design he liked. I'd be a fool to reject a man who can invest such great material culture research. 

Being engaged feels both normal and surreal at the same time. In many ways our relationship is the same it has always been, and yet we can finally speak of hopes and dreams that were under wraps until now. It's so great to talk openly about things from wedding readings to our future children to what kind of drapes we would buy for our home. So the past few days have been full of "OMG we're getting married," "future husband," "future wife," and of course, many recitations of this classic Seinfeld scene. 

Coffee with Literary Crushes

Happy feast of St. Valentine, everyone!
I am excited about this week's nerdtastic Bright Maidens topic: literary crushes. It's too hard for me to choose just one, so here's a craft project that mentions almost all my favorites. Do check out graphic designer Sarah Fritzler's  post about how to make DIY literary quote mugs on the cheap. She quotes heroes of Pride and Prejudice, Emma, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Little Women, Jane Eyre, Anne of Green Gables and Casablanca. 

Messers Darcy and Knightly are totally swoonworthy, but let's not forget Jane Austen's other romantic heroes, like the ever-so-steadfast Captain Wentworth: 

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. ... I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes?" Persuasion, Ch. 11

And then there's Henry Tilney, the totally underrated hero of Northanger Abbey. He's the king of witty banter. 

“Now I must give one smirk, and then we may be rational again." 

If he were around today, he'd be into blogging. (Emphasis mine.)

"Not keep a journal! How are your absent cousins to understand the tenour of your life in Bath without one? ... How are your various dresses to be remembered, and the particular state of your complexion, and curl of your hair to be described in all their diversities, without having constant recourse to a journal? ...Everybody allows that the talent of writing agreeable letters is peculiarly female. Nature may have done something, but I am sure it must be essentially assisted by the practice of keeping a journal.”

And he likes to read.

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.” 

I've mentioned before how fictional falling in love pales in comparison to the real thing, but that doesn't mind I don't find pleasure in a good novel. It doesn't have to be Jane Austen either.

John Waterhouse's 1888 painting of the Lady of Shalott.
Via  Wikimedia commons.

When I was a senior in high school, all the English poetry we were reading in class put us girls in a hyper-romantic state. When we weren't gushing over Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnets from the Portuguese ("God's plans put man's best dreams to shame"), we were fighting over who got to read "The Lady of Shalott" in class. 


Then one of the girls got us all hooked on Christian romance novels. Robin Jones Gunn's Glenbrooke series is about 8 different women who live in or pass through a small town in Oregon. One by one they confront problems in their lives, strengthen their relationships with Jesus, and find handsome husbands in the process. What's really fun about the series is how previous heroines show up in later stories. You get to see how their happily-ever-afters pan out. We all debated which love story was the best. Was it the girl running from her past rescued by the handsome firefighter in Book 1? Or the flight attendant in Book 5 who reunited with an old flame in Germany? 


My favorite was always Book 3, Echoes, where Lauren strikes up email correspondence with an anonymous fellow Christian. They bond over poetry and Irish Breakfast tea, but she chickens out when they arrange a meeting in person.Don't worry, (SPOILER) they run into each other in Hawaii later. 


 I don't know what drew me to the story; maybe it was the nerdtastic literary element. Maybe my historian brain liked the primary source documentary record of their courtship. Either way, I probably wouldn't have believed it if you told my 18-year old self that six years later I would fall into a long-distance romance that began online. Putting man's best dreams to shame  indeed. 

Things Your Denomination Says

A while back, some guy slapped on a blond wig and made a YouTube video called "Sh*t Girls Say." It wasn't long before it went viral and dozens of imitators popped up. You could waste hours watching different versions of "Stuff ___ Say" about every ethnic/social group under the sun. (Not that I've done that or anything...)

This kind of self-aware humor is loads of fun, so I was glad when the Catholic versions arrived. A friend of a friend filmed this one at (where else?) the Franciscan University of Steubenville.




I'm pretty sure I or a friend have said 90% of those things, particularly the ones about "discernment."

This one is also pretty good. "There were so many cute babies at Mass today!"
The main topics of conversation in these videos are liturgical correctness, sacramentals (religious artwork, jewelry, etc)  and relationships i.e. finding a spouse. Or making Jesus your spouse, in the case of becoming a nun. Having the alternative option of celibacy floating around does not make dating any easier.



In the spirit of ecumenical dialogue, here's one about our Protestant sisters in Christ. Here instead of Mass responses we hear about Old Testament male heroes as romantic icons. There are also Biblical catchphrases like "The Word" and "generation." But guess what? We all say "I'll pray for you."




And finally, my favorite pseudo-Christian sect. Eating jello and dating former missionaries are Mormon standards. I'm a little bummed that housewife blogs did not make it in there, but the part about movie nights just killed me. That's pretty much the scene at any Catholic Campus Ministry too. DTR (define the relationship) talks were also staples among my college friends.



One of my favorite things about this meme is that is shows us we are really all not that different. When I watch "Things Jamaican Dads say" I don't get half the jokes, but I still get "Parents, amirite?" Most people are willing to poke fun at their habits, and that includes us religious folk. There's a deeper anthropological analysis in there somewhere. Have at it, grad students of the future.

What I especially like about the videos I've posted here is how honestly they portray the ups and downs of finding a higher purpose in life. Just because finding your vocation/mission/anointed calling/whatever is important doesn't mean it's always fun. Sometimes you want to throw up your hands and "Just become a nun!" By laughing about it, women who follow Jesus can encourage each other. We might have different inside jokes and Sunday services, but deep down we all want to do the right thing and live happily ever after with our St. Joseph/Boaz/Eternal Companion. Hang in there ladies. I'll pray for you.

Unicorns in Our Midst: 21st Century Virgins

"Being a Virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of; you're like a unicorn."  - Shirley to Annie in Season 1 of Community

This week the Bright Maidens blogging group is reviewing TLC's new series "The Virgin Diaries." I have only two positive things to say about the show.

First, the historian in me is pleased TLC has documented so many subculture groups, religious and not, for posterity. In a century or so, someone will give a conference paper about how agnostic post-modernity liked to gawk at Mormon polygamists, Muslims in Michigan, homeschooling Arkansas residents with 20 kids, and those rare 5-10% of American adults who have never had sex. Did these Millenial viewers lump such fringe groups in with little people, toddler beauty queens, and wedding dress consultants?

Second, watching the trailers for this show made me very grateful for Theology of the Body. Normally I resist the Catholic cliches chastity explanations that are basically OMGJP2TOB!!1!11! But when I got nauseous seeing that newlywed couple awkwardly chewing each other's faces off, I couldn't help but think they needed to read some Love and Responsibility.

Our lips, our hands, our bodies, and our sexuality are part of our God-given human dignity. They are not dangerous, uncontrollable temptations to keep at a ten-foot distance so we can brag about how careful our courtships are. Marriage is more than just a license for intercourse, just as chastity is more than keeping one's legs crossed until vows permit unbridled release of all that pent-up tension.

So yeah, I was a little annoyed at TLC's editing that found drama in every facial expression and double entendres in playground equipment. But mostly I was angry at the yahoos who decided to broadcast their most personal lives on television, making a mockery of something that is precious, and sadly, rare.

I'm 26, and I am part of that virgin 5-10%. You might not realize when we unicorns (or mermaids) walk among you, because most us don't act like maladjusted circus freaks. Neither do we walk around wagging disapproving fingers at our peers who haven't made the same life choice. We have social lives, creative interests, and affectionate dating relationships. The only thing that makes us different is our commitment to a difficult spiritual and physical goal that challenges who we are at our very core.

Chastity is something I have to choose every day. I don't choose it because I am afraid of sex, or of getting pregnant or an STD. I don't choose it just because it's honorable, or how my parents raised me, or because I've been told it's a sin. I don't choose it just so my wedding night (a few brief hours of my life) will be special. As Bing Crosby says in White Christmas, "That's not good, but it's a reason."

Ultimately, I have to make this choice for myself, because I believe it will make me a happier, holier person in the long run. It has a to be a lived acknowledgement of the divine transformation I believe happens in the Sacrament of Marriage. It has to be an integral part of my relationship with God, who loves me first and most.


As  agnostic-turned-Jew-turned Episcopalian-turned-chastity enthusiast Lauren Winner described it,

"Remember that God desires your person, your body, more than any man or woman ever will."

Mormonpalooza Part 2: Housewife Blogs and Evangelization Envy

The past few years have seen the rise of the hip Mormon mommy/housewife blog phenomenon. There seems to be an endless network of them, and good gravy are they popular. Thousands of followers, dozens of sponsors, weekly giveaways popular. Personally, I am hooked on The Daybook, Nat the Fat Rat (Happiness Curator! Lover of Anne of Green Gables!), Rockstar Diaries, and Mormon in Manhattan to name a few.

The stinkin' cute Sydney and Tyson of The Daybook. 

In Salon this January, highly educated journalist Emily Matchar asked the question on many young women's minds (including mine): “Why can’t I stop reading Mormon housewife blogs?” She concluded that, unlike the uber-intense mommy blogosphere, these ladies make marriage and motherhood look like fun adventures.  At VirtuousPla.Net, Julie Rodrigues recently observed that these blogs "give beauty slowly," countering the modern obsession with instant gratification. Jen Fulweiler chimed in that it’s the inherent female nurturing, giving instinct that makes PhD candidates pore over posts about recipes and decorating.

I agree with all these women, and very much identify with Matchar and her friends. Reading cookbooks and stalking other people’s domestic bliss were my main coping techniques while thesis writing. It was a world so comforting, and yet slightly exotic compared to the library stacks.

There's been some discussion in the Catholic blogsphere about what an effective evangelization force these Mormon bloggers are. Such artsy diaries make show that we church-going folk are happy, creative, and normal.  These women blend modernity with faith seemingly effortlessly. They are in the world but not quite of it, often more subtly than we Catholics seem to be. But before we go running out to create knock-off hipster Catholic blogs, there are some key points to consider.

Mormon housewife blogs are up-to-the-minute trendy. 
These women use Instagram, sell handmade accessories on Etsy and dish about makeup trends.  Their trendiness seems authentic, not self-consciously commercial. When readers ask, "What makes Mormons so cool?, they reply that they just look for beauty in everything, and that includes Forever 21.

These blogs are written for a wide general audience – lifestyle first, LDS a distant second.
 “Just frolicking in the city, pushing this stroller in my hipster glasses and red lipstick. Have you tried that new burger place across town? Oh and I’m excited about General Conference and hosting some missionaries for dinner on Sunday.”

via ClothedMuch.com

Similarly, clothing discussions are about fashion, not just modesty. 
You'll never see these stylish girls in tank tops or short skirts, but they don't feel the need to tell you that constantly. Their posts are all "Hey, look at these cute blouses! I found the sweetest necklace on sale!"

I once told my parish priest that he should give up his pipe dreams of a modest clothing line, because the Mormons have that locked down. Three words: Shabby Apple dresses.

By far the expert Mormon fashion blogger is LA-dweller Elaine Hearn at Clothed Much. Her blogroll of Mormon fashion bloggers is comprehensive, and her use of items from both department and thrift stores is brilliant. With nary an ankle length jumper in sight.

They offer artistic quality and positivity, not preaching to the choir
Mormon bloggers' layouts are uncluttered and their photos use natural light, not garish flash. They write about what is good in life, instead of just clutching their pearls about THE CULTURE.

There is a time and place for hashing out the minutiae of theology and liturgy, and then there are times to be more approachable. Endless debates about NFP and homeschooling get tiresome, as does the millionth mediocre rehash of Theology of the Body. This is where Mormon bloggers enchant and inspire me in a way Catholic mommy blogs often do not. It's refreshing to see something practical and beautiful, not just hand-wringing about immorality on TV.

Who cares what horrendous things the kids on Jersey Shore are wearing; what would be a good outfit for work tomorrow? How could I still unleash my creative side once I am chasing after little ones? How do I relate to my secular colleagues? More importantly, how could Catholic life be relevant to them? Women like Sydney and Elaine give me hope that I can participate in modern society but also stay true to my beliefs.

Via The Rockstar Diaries

This is where I as a Catholic blogger/cultural historian do some serious pondering. 
Do we blog to evangelize or to talk amongst ourselves? Should Catholic young women write with our theology more "undercover"? Personally, I love the like-minded community of spiritual support I have found through blogging. Should I put my money where my mouth is and switch to posting recipes and daily outfit photos? Or would that be watering down my faith?

Do any Catholic lifestyle blogs with a large secular following already exist?  Do you think Catholic women should embrace a new online evangelization strategy? What do you think?

Facebook has boundaries issues

This week's Bright Maidens topic is about PDA in the digital age. Here are my two cents.

StuffChristianCultureLikes.Com

We've all seen it in our Facebook news feeds. The sappy  wall posts. The albums of smchoopy, kissy face photos. The googly-eyed status updates about how crazy in love they are with their amazing significant other. Liberal use of the nickname "Pookie," which should not be applied to anyone over age 5.

Sometimes, internet-age oversharing makes me want to gag.

Thanks to reality TV and Mark Zuckerberg's persistent idea that we want to publish the minutiae of our lives, seeing intimate moments play out in public seems normal. On dating game shows like the Bachelorette and Flavor of Love, an entire nation can watch a semi-celebrity go one dates and whispers sweet nothings with not just one, but multiple people. Thanks to social media, we can eavesdrop on personal wall conversations and see the details of someone's vacation without talking to them. So is it any wonder that internet PDA can seem like a requisite part of a "real" relationship? That if you don't brag about it on Facebook, it isn't official?

Sure, when you first fall for someone or get eneaged, you want to shout it from the rooftops. You tell all your friends, gush about how you're in love with a wonderful guy, or scream "I love this woman" in an Italian piazza. An FB post about your 10th anniversary can be a great witness to the commitment marriage requires. And sweet understated gestures like holding hands or an arm across the back of their chair shows the world you are proud to be connected to the person you love.

Still, your friends want to focus on the intimate, day-to-day events of their own families and relationships. I think perpetrators of online PDA need to consider why they are using that medium. Wouldn't a private text message, email, or FB message be just as effective? Does this show a simple lack of boundaries or a deeper need to brag about how awesome one's life is? Especially as Christians, do we need to one-up each other with declarations about "God's perfect plan for my life," or how "blessed" we are?

Just a thought. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to visit The Beau in New Jersey for the weekend. I won't bore you with the details :-P

Emotional Chastity: What Would Miss Austen Do?

Here is my belated contribution to this week's Bright Maidens blog topic: Emotional Chastity.

It's a rite of passage that happened every summer I worked at "high school history camp": a group of teenage girls discovered Jane Austen movie adaptations. The best reactions came from Ang Lee's exquisite 1995 version of Sense and Sensibility. (Spoiler alert, if you have been under a rock for the 200 years since the novel was written.)

Why is a good man in breeches so hard to find?

SWOON! as Willoughby scoops up injured Marianne as if she "weighed no more than a dried leaf." GASP! when he later betrays her affections. MOURN! for Elinor when Lucy Steele's "prior claims" threaten to separate her from Edward forever. CHEER! the final happy ending.

And after the credits roll, you just might pine for your own dashing waistcoat on horseback, ready to woo you with flowers, sonnets, and heroic deeds.

As much as I love movies of  Jane's books, I do have to admit that they carry a subtle temptation for women to objectify men. Instead of viewing them as complex persons, we might value them solely for their potential to give us the romantic costume-drama experiences we desire. Consider, for example, this brilliant but ridiculous video.



Taken to an extreme, this is emotional porn - just the exciting payoff without any of the patience, sacrifice, and real love that a relationship demands.

In chastity-minded circles, Austen novels are popular PG-rated romantic entertainment for young women. After all, the heroes are polite, the heroines are virtuous, and a  marriage commitment is their goal. That's all well and good, but Austen's true genius lies not in wholesomeness but in wry social commentary. One of the lessons her heroines often learn is not to be too in love with love. Heartbreak almost destroys Marianne Dashwood, while Emma Woodhouse's obsession with matchmaking blinds her to authentic relationships.

Austen's underappreciated first novel, Northanger Abbey, bases the entire plot on Catherine Morland's silly obsession with Gothic novels. Reading too many 19th century equivalents of Twilight has made her suspect horrid drama around every corner. In the end, she assumes dreadful things about her suitor and his family, putting a budding romance in jeopardy. The snarky point is clear: ladies, lay off the fiction and interact with some real people for a change.

Not gonna lie, I still love a good petticoat-filled chick flick. In his first email to me, my boyfriend got my attention by asking what I thought about the 2008 adaptation of S&S. (A shrewd move on his part.) But a week after our first date, I found myself flipping through one of those Pride and Prejudice happily-ever-after sequels at Barnes & Noble. Suddenly, the manufactured plot of Regency romance was unfullfilling. Mr. Darcy was charming enough, but he wasn't as intriguing as the red-headed southern boy whom I could learn about in hours of real-life conversation. The Beau had talents, opinions, dreams, and memories that could fill more than just one volume. I put the book back on the shelf, ready to find greater satisfaction in writing my own love story.

Long Advent Season of the Heart

“I am the Savior of all people, says the Lord. 

Whatever their troubles, I will answer their 

cry, and I will always be their Lord.”

 - Mass entrance Antiphon for September 18

It is a fact universally acknowledged that the road to romantic happiness can be a long one. Ask any single person in their twenties, and they'll tell you of lonely wonderings when/if they will find "true love." I think this is especially true for young Catholics. If you place a high value on self-giving love and marriage as a sacrament, it's hard to feel somewhat powerless in your wait for that vocation to become reality.

Sometimes there is the temptation to complain "Why me?" or "Why not me?"
"Hey God, I go to daily Mass, I'm chaste. So why am I still waiting for true love while everyone on my Facebook feed gets married and has babies?"
"Why is my relationship hampered by distance, while that couple lives in the same town and get to see each other every day?"
"Why do I see friends zip to the altar through whirlwind courtships, only to have graduate school and finances delay my dreams?"
(Edit: I took out that last hypothetical sentence about break-ups, because it gave the very false impression that The Beau and I are through.)

It's possible to rejoice in friends' happiness and still feel a cruel twinge of sorrow that your turn hasn't come yet. For me, social media updates can be a slippery slope into envious comparisons. This Sunday's readings were a good reality check. Look at the parable of the vinyard workers - does it matter what God gives to other people? No.

The lesson of that parable in Matthew's Gospel is clear - stop looking around to check out what everyone else has. That makes you forget what you do have. Life is not a race, or a competition. God will give you what He has promised, and that is all you ever need.

This first reading, from Isaiah 55, had a similar sentiment.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD.

That statement is not a boast, but a reassurance. God has a plan beyond what our feeble minds and hearts can see at the moment.

7 Quick Takes of Pomp and Circumstance

Happy Friday! As always, head on over to Conversion Diary for more entries in today's 7 Quick Takes.

1. It's still Easter! I love how Church holidays stretch out into entire octaves. One of my favorite memories of this Easter was seeing my Dad gleefully realize he could figure out some of the verses to "O Filii et Filiae" on Sunday. "This is awesome!" he leaned over and whispered to me.



2. A friend from college composed and shared this reflection for Holy Saturday on Facebook, which was so lovely I had to share it.
It was a dark and purposeful Saturday. "Perfect for a harrowing," mused the Second Person, who lay still as death. Deep in his stony chamber, Satan wept.

3. Yes, I did watch the Royal Wedding today. Actually twice. Once in my jammies since I wanted to witness history in real time, then again at a brunch party with scones and mimosas. Everyone was lovely and charming - the happy couple, the hat-bedecked guests, the choir boys in livery, the flower girl covering her ears on the balconey, grinning Prince Harry "the good looking one," and the Queen in her yellow suit that matched the Archbishop of Canterbury. The Archbishop of London's sermon was excellent, all about self-giving love and how even the most loving spouse cannot fill the need for God in your heart. Huzzah!

4. Speaking of Rowan Williams, he gets an A+ for that cope with fantastic embroidered hood.  (Update: It was made by Watts and Co., which is pretty much the biggest English vestment company these days. Most of the churches in my thesis use some Watts vestments today. Watts based the design off an 1848 cope by Catholic convert A. W. N. Pugin. The original is at the V&A.)
Even though I wrote my thesis on Anglo/Episcopal vestments, I've never been to one of their services, shame on me. Thus the wedding was an interesting bit of research. I was surprised that they did the vows right away before the readings, and that there was not a full communion service.
I swear that was the gold communion set from Charles II's coronation behind them on the altar. When I was in London I saw the set displayed with the crown jewels in the Tower of London, but I can't find a reference anywhere. All I know is, if I were becoming a princess, I would want to receive the Blood of Christ from a 350 year old gold flagon.

5.  Damian Thompson had a great post about Anglican ritualism today. The Church may be rife with theological confusion, but "when it comes to state baptisms, weddings and funerals, Protestant austerity and Catholic flamboyance balance each other to perfection." Thompson argues that such ceremony is "what the Church of England is for." Patriotic and inspiring yes, but does that translate into everyday spiritual relevance to ordinary people?

6. One last royal wedding thing: it's not all formal ceremony. Here's a verger (sacristan) doing cartwheels down Westminster's aisle to celebrate a successful day.






7. Phew, now that's done, so it's time to switch my brain over to this weekend's other big event: the beatification of Pope John Paul II on Sunday! This all reminds me of the last time the Catholic Church and royal family double-booked each other, under more somber circumstances. Remember how Mother Teresa's funeral happened just a week after Princess Diana's? It will be interesting to see how the pomp and circumstance in St. Peter's compares to what just happened in Westminster Abbey.

A beatification AND Divine Mercy Sunday? Look out for extra graces.

#TradPickupLines, the prequel

Yesterday the Catholic Twitter community came up with some great jokes about super-traditional dating, and Elizabeth has graciously chronicled all the Trad Pickup Lines that emerged. It was great to see everyone's creativity. Patrick Madrid's Top Ten Orthodox Catholic Pickup Lines are funny, but that list has been around since I was in high school, and new awkward advances continue to be made in the field of religion/romance.
Don't get me wrong, dating someone who shares your faith is a wonderful thing. On our first date as a "Facebook official" couple, The Beau and I went to Sunday Mass and then took photos of headstones in an historic churchyard. It was awesome. But along the way to finding a person who will share your doubts, joys, and prayers, you will have probably have some awkward conversations. There's meeting new people, and then there's going up to every girl in the confession line and saying "Are you my vocation?" like a lost Dr. Seuss character.

For example, how this all started was that the other day someone told brand-new convert Kassie that she had a face made for a mantilla and tiny piano player hands. Seriously.

She, Jackie and I then speculated what this Latin-Mass-loving young man was really trying to say:

Would you like to glorify God through traditional gender roles with me?
Excuse me, I think you have the rib I'm missing. Would you like to help me promote the culture of life?
You were created to be my helpmeet. Let's subdue the earth together
Let's raise a quiver full of traditionalist culture warriors.
Would you like to break the bread that you baked with me?
Would you like to not practice NFP with me?
Let's change your headcovering from white to black.(Married women wear black mantillas.)

and my personal favorite...
"I'm bringing Latin back. Them new mass boys don't know how to act....[yeah]."

Jane Eyre: feminist chastity warrior?

Part of my Virginia weekend was seeing the new Jane Eyre film with one of my best girlfriends from high school. I hadn't read the book since we were in plaid uniform skirts, so I'd forgotten what a killer heroine Jane is. This time around I was really impressed by her moral fiber. I'm a big Elizabeth Bennett fan, but Jane has Lizzie's wit plus spiritual depth. I loved how Cary Fukanaga's adaptation prominently featured the novel's different religious ideas.  We even get to see Jane and the housekeeper saying grace over lunch! Here's how I found Jane Eyre an inspiring example of spiritual strength.

• She is mistreated by many people during her horrible childhood, but she doesn't let their wrongs destroy her. As a child, she rightly calls out Aunt Read for hypocrisy and cruelty, but eventually forgives her. 
• At Lowood school and later at the Rivers family home, she turns to her female friends for support and encouragement. 
• She doesn't need a man to survive - she's happy to work hard and support herself, even in a humble job at a country school. 
• When she does settle down, it's for a relationship of mutual self-giving and improvement. She won't settle just for being someone's assistant, no matter how noble his life goals. 
• Experiences with insanely dogmatic Christians doesn't turn her off from religion entirely. In fact, she leaves the man she loves rather than violate her moral code. 

It's on that last point that I found this version of Jane Eyre most inspiring. The scene where she refuses to live in bigamy with Mr. Rochester is so poignant, and I loved how this film depicted it. In the 2006 Masterpiece Theater version, Rochester is in control, actually lying on top of Jane in an attempt to persuade her by making out. It seemed too over-the-top for me. In Fukunaga's version, Jane is the stronger one. She holds her head up high and keeps Rochester at arm's length while he clings to her, broken down by his past mistakes.  It's obvious she desperately wants to be with him, but, as she so wisely puts it, "I must respect myself." With a cry of "God help me!" she flees the room of temptation and heartbreak.

As a single Catholic twenty-something, I was heartened by her determined fidelity to what Rochester called "some arbitrary man's law." On the surface, it might seem like she needlessly destroyed her own happiness, but staying at Thornfield would have cost the integrity that made her so attractive to Rochester in the first place. Her self-respect is what made her a survivor; she certainly would not have been happy if she compromised it. Jane's moral courage in turn brought out the best in Rochester; he stayed loyal and compassionate to his first wife to the end of that woman's life. I was heartened to see Jane not let her emotions get in the way of her values since, let's be honest, chastity can be hard when you genuinely love someone. 

source

All in all, it's no surprise Jane Eyre continues to be a feminist icon to generations of readers. She's brave, long suffering, intelligent, self-sufficient and hardworking, a warrior for true virtue, but also capable of great love. 

Book Review - Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert

Image Source

This book is a sequel of sorts to Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth Gilbert is on another odyssey, this time hanging around south Asia while waiting for US immigration to approve her marriage to a Brazilian man. She met Filipe in Bali at the end of her previous book. Both were divorced and reluctant to get hitched again, but restrictions on temporary visas made the decision for them.

If you think marriage is a profound sacrament, or even just the building block of a healthy society, you will find yourself disagreeing with Committed. To be fair, she told us upfront that she is a skeptic. She’s also quite honest about the independent individualism that modern Americans consider their birthright. How dare a government or church tell her what to do? Refreshingly, though, she admits that much of the world happily functions without this mindset, and that she's often grappled with feeling unfulfilled.

Gilbert read up on the history of marriage during her year of skepticism, but  I found myself yelling “Where are your footnotes, woman?” and grumbling about irresponsible use of anecdotes. Also "How could you not know that emotional intimacy with a person-not-your-spouse can lead to an affair???!" And "Women are the ones who have babies. Parenthood requires sacrifice. Get over it."  And finally "Just marry the guy already!"

But that’s really the appeal of Gilbert’s writing; reading her words is like hearing a friend tell you a story. You are privy to her personal life and feel like you can engage with it. I could even identify with some of her apprehensions about commitment and motherhood. Does raising children really require women to "scrape bare the walls of their own souls"? Can we change our minds all the time and still make a lifelong commitment to someone?

The stories about her relationship with Felipe were more encouraging. That’s when Committed is at its best, telling a story about two people in love trying to make a life together. Besides the whole immigration approval with nomadic lifestyle thing, they had to learn to balance different cultural backgrounds and traveling styles. Her field trip to Cambodia while he read mystery novels by a pool was a nice reminder that your relationship is not doomed if you have some different ideas of fun.

 

It was also interesting to see how Gilbert finds a solution for our modern, post-marriage society. She starts to view marriage as a form of social rebellion. Sure, governments and churches may regulate it, but that is their feeble attempt to control the coupling that would happen no matter what. Couples say vows and sign paperwork, but then, as Felipe put it “We go home and do whatever the hell we want.” Every home is its own little society, and no amount of laws can completely control what happens in those homes.Marriage (and children) implies that you value a particular relationship above the wider community.

In the end, though, Gilbert is willing to admit that her marriage is not an entirely private matter. She realizes how much her family wants to be able to witness her and Felipe’s exchange of vows. She jumps through all the US customs hoops. And when all is said and done, she finds that public commitment to the man she loves was nothing to fear. That alone could calm a few other skeptics.

Edit: Elizabeth Gilbert's personal website reveals that Committed was just released in paperback with the subtitle changed to "A love story" implying that she is still living peacefully ever after.