Facebook has boundaries issues

This week's Bright Maidens topic is about PDA in the digital age. Here are my two cents.

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We've all seen it in our Facebook news feeds. The sappy  wall posts. The albums of smchoopy, kissy face photos. The googly-eyed status updates about how crazy in love they are with their amazing significant other. Liberal use of the nickname "Pookie," which should not be applied to anyone over age 5.

Sometimes, internet-age oversharing makes me want to gag.

Thanks to reality TV and Mark Zuckerberg's persistent idea that we want to publish the minutiae of our lives, seeing intimate moments play out in public seems normal. On dating game shows like the Bachelorette and Flavor of Love, an entire nation can watch a semi-celebrity go one dates and whispers sweet nothings with not just one, but multiple people. Thanks to social media, we can eavesdrop on personal wall conversations and see the details of someone's vacation without talking to them. So is it any wonder that internet PDA can seem like a requisite part of a "real" relationship? That if you don't brag about it on Facebook, it isn't official?

Sure, when you first fall for someone or get eneaged, you want to shout it from the rooftops. You tell all your friends, gush about how you're in love with a wonderful guy, or scream "I love this woman" in an Italian piazza. An FB post about your 10th anniversary can be a great witness to the commitment marriage requires. And sweet understated gestures like holding hands or an arm across the back of their chair shows the world you are proud to be connected to the person you love.

Still, your friends want to focus on the intimate, day-to-day events of their own families and relationships. I think perpetrators of online PDA need to consider why they are using that medium. Wouldn't a private text message, email, or FB message be just as effective? Does this show a simple lack of boundaries or a deeper need to brag about how awesome one's life is? Especially as Christians, do we need to one-up each other with declarations about "God's perfect plan for my life," or how "blessed" we are?

Just a thought. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to visit The Beau in New Jersey for the weekend. I won't bore you with the details :-P

Emotional Chastity: What Would Miss Austen Do?

Here is my belated contribution to this week's Bright Maidens blog topic: Emotional Chastity.

It's a rite of passage that happened every summer I worked at "high school history camp": a group of teenage girls discovered Jane Austen movie adaptations. The best reactions came from Ang Lee's exquisite 1995 version of Sense and Sensibility. (Spoiler alert, if you have been under a rock for the 200 years since the novel was written.)

Why is a good man in breeches so hard to find?

SWOON! as Willoughby scoops up injured Marianne as if she "weighed no more than a dried leaf." GASP! when he later betrays her affections. MOURN! for Elinor when Lucy Steele's "prior claims" threaten to separate her from Edward forever. CHEER! the final happy ending.

And after the credits roll, you just might pine for your own dashing waistcoat on horseback, ready to woo you with flowers, sonnets, and heroic deeds.

As much as I love movies of  Jane's books, I do have to admit that they carry a subtle temptation for women to objectify men. Instead of viewing them as complex persons, we might value them solely for their potential to give us the romantic costume-drama experiences we desire. Consider, for example, this brilliant but ridiculous video.



Taken to an extreme, this is emotional porn - just the exciting payoff without any of the patience, sacrifice, and real love that a relationship demands.

In chastity-minded circles, Austen novels are popular PG-rated romantic entertainment for young women. After all, the heroes are polite, the heroines are virtuous, and a  marriage commitment is their goal. That's all well and good, but Austen's true genius lies not in wholesomeness but in wry social commentary. One of the lessons her heroines often learn is not to be too in love with love. Heartbreak almost destroys Marianne Dashwood, while Emma Woodhouse's obsession with matchmaking blinds her to authentic relationships.

Austen's underappreciated first novel, Northanger Abbey, bases the entire plot on Catherine Morland's silly obsession with Gothic novels. Reading too many 19th century equivalents of Twilight has made her suspect horrid drama around every corner. In the end, she assumes dreadful things about her suitor and his family, putting a budding romance in jeopardy. The snarky point is clear: ladies, lay off the fiction and interact with some real people for a change.

Not gonna lie, I still love a good petticoat-filled chick flick. In his first email to me, my boyfriend got my attention by asking what I thought about the 2008 adaptation of S&S. (A shrewd move on his part.) But a week after our first date, I found myself flipping through one of those Pride and Prejudice happily-ever-after sequels at Barnes & Noble. Suddenly, the manufactured plot of Regency romance was unfullfilling. Mr. Darcy was charming enough, but he wasn't as intriguing as the red-headed southern boy whom I could learn about in hours of real-life conversation. The Beau had talents, opinions, dreams, and memories that could fill more than just one volume. I put the book back on the shelf, ready to find greater satisfaction in writing my own love story.

Long Advent Season of the Heart

“I am the Savior of all people, says the Lord. 

Whatever their troubles, I will answer their 

cry, and I will always be their Lord.”

 - Mass entrance Antiphon for September 18

It is a fact universally acknowledged that the road to romantic happiness can be a long one. Ask any single person in their twenties, and they'll tell you of lonely wonderings when/if they will find "true love." I think this is especially true for young Catholics. If you place a high value on self-giving love and marriage as a sacrament, it's hard to feel somewhat powerless in your wait for that vocation to become reality.

Sometimes there is the temptation to complain "Why me?" or "Why not me?"
"Hey God, I go to daily Mass, I'm chaste. So why am I still waiting for true love while everyone on my Facebook feed gets married and has babies?"
"Why is my relationship hampered by distance, while that couple lives in the same town and get to see each other every day?"
"Why do I see friends zip to the altar through whirlwind courtships, only to have graduate school and finances delay my dreams?"
(Edit: I took out that last hypothetical sentence about break-ups, because it gave the very false impression that The Beau and I are through.)

It's possible to rejoice in friends' happiness and still feel a cruel twinge of sorrow that your turn hasn't come yet. For me, social media updates can be a slippery slope into envious comparisons. This Sunday's readings were a good reality check. Look at the parable of the vinyard workers - does it matter what God gives to other people? No.

The lesson of that parable in Matthew's Gospel is clear - stop looking around to check out what everyone else has. That makes you forget what you do have. Life is not a race, or a competition. God will give you what He has promised, and that is all you ever need.

This first reading, from Isaiah 55, had a similar sentiment.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD.

That statement is not a boast, but a reassurance. God has a plan beyond what our feeble minds and hearts can see at the moment.

Ten Facts about Me and The Beau

Betty Beguiles has this fun feature "about me and my better half" going on her blog, so I though I'd join in. Here are some fun facts about me and The Beau, who's really been deserving a better explanation for a while.

1. He's a New Orleans native, I'm a Virginian. So how did we end up long-distance dating in the northeast? Grad school and the OK Cupid dating website. 
2. He got my attention in his first email message by asking if I'd seen the new Sense and Sensibility adaptation. (He later admitted this was a calculated move.) Then I got his attention by agreeing that William III and Mary II totally stole the English throne from her Catholic father James II. Thus a history nerd romance was born. 
3. Our first date was on the feast of the Assumption, August 15, 2009. Meeting for coffee and dinner turned into six hours of conversation before he finally drove back to New Jersey. 
4. His blog nickname comes from the brief period before we were "Facebook official" and I needed some way to describe "That guy who drove 2 hours to meet me at Brew-Ha-Ha" to my classmates. "The Beau" seemed appropriately olde timey. 
5. We both love photography, so many of our early dates involved taking pictures in parks and on my museum grounds. Then my DSLR broke and school got crazy, so we need to get back into that.
6. Before we met he didn't know anything about gluten-intolerance, but he's been amazingly supportive about it. He's even gotten me to be more assertive asking about ingredients in restaurants! The day we figured out how to make gumbo with a GF roux was a big victory. 
7. He went to Jesuit High School in New Orleans, so the Jesuits are a big part of his spirituality. I've got a Vincentian background, so we educate each other. 
8. Due to geographic distance, our moms have never met, but we are pretty sure they are almost the same person. Bonus: my mom was taught by Jesuits at SLU, his mom has a Vincentian confessor. 
9. This summer and fall he will be in London doing history dissertation research. At first I dreaded it horribly, but I've gradually become more peaceful about it and more excited for him to have this opportunity. 
10. Ever since our third date (when we became Facebook official) we like to hold hands during the homily at Mass - except when he's in the choir loft at his parish.