Emotional Perfection

This morning I went to Mass at St. Patrick's cathedral, since it is only a 15 minute walk down 51st from our hotel. It was just a typical simple half-hour weekday service with no singing and sparse pews, but I haven't felt this happy to be in church in a long time. I remembered feeling the same way about a year ago when I sought out Catholic churches in London.

As I walked back past Radio City Music Hall and Times Square, I wondered why I had the sudden attack of pious euphoria. It must be because I'm on a trip - all the excitement of exploring makes me feel like a new person. Seriously, when was the last time I fit in Mass, a brisk walk, and breakfast before 9am?

It's true that I can be something of an emotional perfectionist. I think I need to be happy all the time, and feel guilty if I am depressed, distracted, discouraged, etc. This can especially happen in my spiritual life. Not every Mass is full of quiet joy; sometimes I am going through the motions. Sometimes the rosary is drudgery. Sometimes saints are intimidating, not inspiring. Does this mean I am a bad Christian?

But this morning I realized that having a connection with God is not that different from any other relationship. Sometimes the stress of ordinary life gets you down and it's not all cinematic fairy tale fireworks. Then you go on vacation or have a birthday party and suddenly you appreciate everyone much more. For example, there have been Saturdays where The Beau and I are so zonked out from school that we haven't had much to talk about. Those days are mundane and not particularly euphoric. Then there are days that are blissfully happy and exciting, like the Saturday in New York last December when we visited St. Patrick's and the Guggenheim. There's a natural emotional rhythm there, and maybe my relationship with God is not too different.