Lately I've been working on finding my voice. What do I truly think and feel about things? When I was a little kid, I was pretty outspoken and opinionated. I was right, my classmates were ignorant, and that's how it had to be. Over time, I realized that I didn't know everything (duh!) and that being closed minded alienated a lot of people. In college especially, I went through some personal and family hardships that required a lot of patience and flexibility. In my social life, I found myself in the center of conflicts, able to see both sides and wishing they would quit fighting already. Navigating post-grad life, my strategy has been not to openly disagree with others, because then they won't like me and goodness knows it's hard to meet new people out of college.
Patience and meekness are good things, but lately I've been missing the outspoken, principled me of yesteryear. Am I so understanding that I have no original opinions of my own? Do I give a genuine witness to my faith? Can I suggest what to do this weekend instead of waiting for other people to call the shots? Can I at least ask restaurant staff to give me the ingredient info I need to stay gluten free?
So I'm working on that.
Well, today it backfired a little. My history seminar class is amazing and I love it. The professor is fantastic and funny and I really like her. Today's political history discussion was a mental workout. I made a lengthy comment, and this conversation resulted.
Fantastic Prof: "So, what you're saying here is abcdefg. Is that right?"
Me: "I think so" pondering pause (Do I really mean abcdefg? or is it hijklmnop?)
Fantastic Prof: "Are you sure? Do you need to pray about it?"
Me: "What's that supposed to mean??"
Now, if one of my classmates -who know I am the praying sort- had made that comment, I would have a right to be offended. But Fantastic Prof does not know that. She was just trying to make a joke, drawing on her religious history studies. And stupid me had to pick this moment to make a stand, instead of a funny comeback like "Let me say a couple novenas and I'll get back to you." I apologized later, she laughed it off, but still. Oy vey. My voice still needs training. Maybe novenas too.
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